You Would Have Lost
by OMWG
Summary: Logan reflects on what could have been the boys' last day in Los Angeles. He decides it's his fault. Angsty Logan, NO slash!
1. Chapter 1

**ONE MAN WRITING GAMES NOTE:** So this angsty drabble is dedicated to dearest Laura of Miss Fenway, who blows my mind every time she updates _Little Hollow_. While this is the shortest thing I've ever posted, it's chock-full of Logan angst that I hope you will all enjoy.

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Big Time Rush, Logan, or any other characters mentioned.

…

Logan didn't quite understand where this all was coming from, exactly. Hell, he didn't even know why he was so upset about it.

It's funny, really, how much a person's words can affect you. There's always been that old saying to live by: _sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me_. Logan had actually been a firm believer of that, or something like it. Though when he wanted to let one know that their words didn't affect him, he always had to do it in sort of a smart-ass way, saying things like, "That might have affected me if I respected your opinion at all, but because I don't, you can go screw off." It had always worked before.

But now he couldn't even say that, let alone the traditional saying. He would rather have sticks and stones thrown at him full force than face those words again.

"_My money's on Logan." James said, and Logan gave him a look. Logan knew he was just kidding, because that's how he and James __**were**__, but maybe he wasn't kidding. Maybe he actually did think that Logan had the best bet of being kicked out of the band._

"_So you kicked Kendall out of the band? My money was on Logan." Griffin told Gustavo._

"_Well you would have LOST!" Logan retaliated. _Why does everyone keep saying that? _He had thought to himself._

_Because you're a failure, _a voice told him now. _You may have a brain bigger than the Pacific, but face it; you're nothing out here. You're useless. You can't dance, you can't sing, and you just got lucky that your career wasn't ended today._

Logan pulled at his hair, willing the voices to shut up. He felt like such an idiot, sitting here locked in his room. What the hell was wrong with him? He shouldn't be this affected by a simple bet.

_You're this affected because you know what James and Griffin said were true. You are the best bet in matters of getting kicked out of the band._

No, Logan reassured himself. If he were the best bet on being kicked out of the band, than Gustavo would have already kicked him out. There was no doubt that the man didn't care about him; he would have no problem sending him back to the harsh weather of Minnesota.

But that seed of doubt was still there. Still giving him a glimmer of doubt that he might not be good enough, that he might be sent packing because he was not as good as everybody else.

It scared the shit out of Logan, that doubt. Because no matter how small it was, it had the power to consume him. Then Logan would be out of control, something he had always taken pride in having.

And now he was losing his mind.

…

**ONE MAN WRITING GAMES NOTE: **So this is _pathetic,_ really. I promised an angsty drabble and we come out with this. I'm going to have to write a much better Logan angst one-shot, and it's gonna be over 500 words and it will be AWESOME. Sorry Miss Fenway; this is poop. ):


	2. Chapter 2

**ONE MAN WRITING GAMES: **I apparently don't suck as much as I think I do, because people asked me to continue this. Just a bit of info; this is the last chapter or update I will be doing for this story. Unless another episode comes along where Logan just _needs_ to be angsty…

Anyway, this is based off of _Big Time Demos. _The Angst-Monster and I are just the best of friends, you know.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Big Time Rush or any characters affiliated with the show.

…

_It's hard to be a man, but I'm doing all I can._

Story of Logan's life.

It was irritating, really, how much people could relate to songs. Obviously, the writers are _trying_ to get the listeners to relate to the music. It only makes sense; when a human being can relate to something or someone, usually it takes a turn for the better rather for the worse. When it's a song, well, of course the producer is going to get a shit load of money with all of the sales. And when it's a human-to-human relationship, usually relating to each other turns into a friendship or special bond.

But really. Logan _hates_ relating his life to lines of a song. It makes him feel cliché and stupid and girly. But he can't really help it; after all, he has emotions and feelings just like any other person in the world. And besides, it's sort of hypocritical to call out producers on their methods when _his_ producer does the same thing, and _Logan_ actually _sings_ the songs he hates so much. So really, Logan isn't one to talk.

Jesus Christ, Logan wanted to kill himself sometimes.

Not literally, of course. That would make him feel even more cliché and stupid and girly. But when your job is to sing songs that you never would have listened to if you didn't have to sing them, you can get like this sometimes.

But his friends—oh shit, his friends. They _loved_ this kind of shit. Kendall won't admit it because he's too hubris, but he loves singing these sappy songs about love and friendship and he loves shaking his ass in all of their dance rehearsals. James won't have a problem admitting to liking his job because he _lives_ off of it. He breathes music, his heart beats music, and hell, without music, the kid wouldn't even be alive. Even Carlos has warmed up to the daily boy band routine that has become their lives.

And okay, Logan has too. He likes singing because he's decent at it and he likes dancing because he can do cool little flips that he'd like to see _Kendall_ try and do, but he likes it because it's with his friends.

But it's kind of a downer that they're sort of being fired and it's all his fault.

Logan had realized from the first moment she walked into the room that Mercedes wasn't going to be good news for their band. He had always had some sort of _this is a bad person_ radar, and Mercedes had gone off the charts in the beginning.

Yeah, okay. So he sort of owes Kendall a huge-ass 'thank you' after being saved from having his hair dyed green by a manipulative attention whore. But if he weren't such a goddamn pansy then they wouldn't be packing their shit and Gustavo wouldn't be complaining about having to own his father's Scooter Store.

Seriously, he messes _everything _up. It would have been so much better if he were kicked out of the band a few weeks ago. Big Time Wayne-Wayne would be better than Big Time Logan-Screwed-Up-So-We're-A-Failure Rush.

And oh my God, he thought he was going to piss himself with joy when stupid Griffin's whore-ish daughter apologized and promised to help them be the winning band.

Of course, that didn't work out after capturing the magic monkey only to be delivered a fart noise.

And seriously, Vampirah? Logan had heard their songs, and it literally sounded like they were sucking blood and trying to sing at the same time. Weren't there _six_ bands competing? Then Jesus Christ, what happened to the other four? And what the hell. Logan thought it was called _Rocque Records. _Did Griffin control five other recording studios or what? Because it would be completely illogical for Vampirah to be under _Rocque Records_, owned by _Gustavo Rocque._

But Logan couldn't come up with any logical reason as to why the magic monkey _didn't_ pick Big Time Rush. Maybe it was into the whole Twilight fad? Or maybe Logan sucked so much at singing that it took away from the other three's amazing voices and was ultimately their downfall.

Logan causes a lot of downfalls. He really wishes he had been kicked out of the band weeks ago. Either that, or do a trio with Carlos, Kendall, or Logan. Or Kendall should have just taken James. Or himself. Then he and James and Carlos could all be shoveling snow and Kendall could actually make it through the band cuts.

Logan laughed a little to himself because he remembered to get to the audition, they had all promised that old woman they would shovel her driveway the entire winter. That plan didn't work out so well.

And he was completely spacing out while Mercedes the daddy's girl actually _convinced_ Griffin to pick Big Time Rush, and then everyone was cheering and he was just like, _what? _But he figured to save himself the stupidity he should get up and cheer too, so he did. Then he figured out that they had gotten picked and crap.

So his ass had been saved _yet_ again. At least when it was by Kendall it was because Kendall is protective and too good a friend to watch Logan have his hair dyed an unpleasant shade of green.

But getting his ass saved by Mercedes was a _huge_ blow to his masculinity. Not that he'd ever been super manly or anything, what with his high voice and how he dressed like a girl just to get into a math lecture, but he definitely had boy parts and testosterone and his very boyish side of him didn't like to be saved by someone with girl parts and estrogen.

Now he felt like a goddamn girl all over again. First he dressed like one, then he started relating his life to songs, and now he's being rescued here and there.

_Do I _look_ like a damsel in distress? _He thought to himself while his friends were still cheering.

Aw, shit. It looks like another long night locked in his goddamn room. He seriously wishes he could just die sometimes, because he doesn't want to deal with this.

Losing control.

_Promise me some dignity if I were to stand and die here, because my heart is somewhere else and it's a pain I've never felt._

…

**OMWGNOTE: **Ha. Ha. Ha, ha, ha. I thought that was going to turn out a lot better. Oh well. And by the way, the song Logarific is relating to is called _Still Breathing by Mayday Parade._ They're awesome, though they would be a lot cooler if they did not ditch their other lead singer. T_T whatever. Review, and I hope Miss Fenway liked this. :D


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